Iceclad

Kuron has been a character of mine for a long time. Long before Everquest I played text-based MUDs where the concept of Kuron Steelfeather, the Dwarven Ranger was born. He wasn’t actually a ranger, he was a warrior that loved taking walks outside and didn’t get along with the other warriors. He joined the rangers out of convenience. The Kuron of Everquest is different from any other of his incarnations. Same attitude as the comics and MUDs, but different timeline, if you get my meaning.

Since this blog is about Everquest, I thought I would share a little story I wrote that is a core part of how Kuron’s character in EQ was developed. Please enjoy:

Kuron didn’t fully understand robots, does anyone? He assumed they were just moving decorations, and completely without any thought or purpose. From this simple mistake, he was quick to learn that they were very capable of thought, and anger.

Model XIIGHI, an enormous clattering metallic spider worked tirelessly to chip away the massive stones that littered the fields of Steamfont. Kuron toddled up and stared at it as it worked. The tools worked quite sloppily, he thought, but with such force that it still got the job done. The whirling gears and occasional puff of steam were quite mesmerizing, though, so it came as a complete shock to Kuron when a tiny wrinkled hand suddenly tugged on his beard.

“Ain’t she a beaut? Finally got the servos calibrated and the correct viscosity in the grease for her to really hum!”

Kuron stared blankly at the gnome. “The what?” he blinked.

The tiny engineer scrunched his nose up at Kuron, clearly not one of “the enlightened”.

“This thing works good, doesn’t it?” He said, this time as if he were speaking to a dog.

Kuron nodded. “Oh yea, yea, a little shoddy on the hammerin’. Not quite accurate. But I follow th’ church that’s saying if’n ye wallop somethin’ hard enough it don’t really matter how ya did it.” Kuron smiled and laughed a bit as he spoke.

The gnome groused and bristled, shook his head, and started to walk away. But was stopped suddenly by a thunderous crack of stone followed by a deafening thud, as well as a metallic “ting!”.

Model XIIGHI had sheared off a little too much stone, and a little too high up. Large chunks of stone, larger than it could handle, had tumbled from above and landed on top of the unthinking machine. The gnome winced, but only because Kuron started laughing heartily. Like the braying of a drunken ass.

“The tin-can got bonked! Hawhawhawhaw! That’s what ye git fer sloppy work, ya heap o’ scrap!”

The legs of the arachnid buckled, and it fell to the ground with a great crash. The gnome’s jaw dropped.

“It’s supposed to be fine! The plating on top was nearly thick enough to repel even…Oh! This is just unacceptable! After all my calculations and all my hard work! I have a good mind to get that Sniggleworf for selling me inferior ore….AGAIN! This is the last time I get my supplies from-”

The gnome’s tirade ended as the machine sputtered and started to rise. It’s great bulk shifted as it rose, knocking the stones off in the process. The gnome watched excitedly as the great clockwork righted itself, went through it’s re-balancing procedures, performed a stability check, and re-calibrated it’s ocular lens.

The gnome was most elated at this last step in the rebooting procedure, as it was quite difficult to get exactly right. All previous attempts involved the mechanized contraption tearing its own head off with great enthusiasm. The spider lifted it’s primary tool-leg over it’s head, folded it inward, and manually spun the small dome that contained its seeing-device to the correct forward-facing position.

Kuron guffawed and chuckled all the more. “Look! He’s rubbin’ his head! Hawhawhawhaw! Don’t feel good t’ get clobbered, do it?! Hawahwahaw!”

The gnome sneered. “Look Dwarf, what you have just witnessed with your unworthy, baggy eyes is a miracle of innovation! The ramifications of an autonomous arachnodrone that is also self-repairing without provocation is…is baffling! It’s the discovery of…of EVER!”

Kuron stared blankly and the gnome hissed a hateful sigh.

“I finally fixed it! It’s perfect now! Whenever it gets ‘bonked’ on the head, it fixes itself and goes right back to work! No one has ever done this!”

Kuron smiled, but it was apparent to the gnome that is was not for the right reason. He couldn’t possibly understand it the way it was meant to be understood!

“Look, you’ve been shown a blessed miracle this day, I hope dearly that someday you’ll come to realize what you’ve seen is as amazing as it fully deserves. I also pray that you one day understand what an oaf you are, but I fear no God would answer such nonsense. I have never met you before and I hope not to meet you ever again, now if you’re quite done staring at MY device I’ll ask you to move along and find some snails to squash!”

The gnome stopped and stared off into the heavens, lost in grandeur.

“My device….MY…DEVICE….I’m going to be famous! I will be recognized as the most brilliant tinkerer in the history of Gnomedom! Oh dear I need to rouse the Council ex Machina about this at once!”

The gnome scurried off shouting in self-praise.

“SOME DAY THE WORLD WILL KNOW THE NAME WILFER PINCOGGLE!”

Kuron watched the gnome leave, suddenly realizing only now that he had been insulted. The clockwork had finished recalibrating and was tinking away at the stone once again. Dusk was beginning to fall, and Kuron scoffed as a soft yellow light flicked on inside the contraption. Kuron watched for a while longer, and then began to mutter.

“Oh, ye got a head-lamp too! Like the world really needs another trash bin, movin’ er otherwise!” Kuron snorted to himself. “I ain’t no dolt. I can see this thing has great….whatsits. Stinkin’ trash-o-lantern!”

Kuron chuckled and lightly bonked himself on the head, mimicking the incident.

“….I gotta see that again. And since that old fool says it fixes itself “EVERY TIME!” I oughtta go ahead and test it for him.” He said as he picked up a large stone.

“HEY SPIDEY! GET READY FER A NAP!”

The stone left his stout hand and whizzed over to the clockwork, smashing into pieces soundly on its ocular dome with a dull clunk. It reeled from the hit, buzzed, clicked, shuddered a bit, but remained on it’s feet. Kuron laughed impishly, and scooped up a handful of gravel.

“OVER HERE! I GOT SOMETHIN FER YA!”

The scoop of tiny rocks scattered over the burnished surface of the worker, clattering and scuffing the metal. Kuron’s laugh came right from his gut, he laughed so hard that his vision went red from the blood rushing to his face, or at least that’s why he thought everything looked red. The faint glow of the clockwork’s work-lamp had become a blinding, focused beam of intense red light. It bathed Kuron in a spotlight of utter contempt.

Kuron suddenly realized his antics had gotten him into serious trouble. The kind of trouble that’s nearly 20 feet tall, made of raw iron, and has eight legs. Model XIIGHI had entered “Defense Mode”, perceiving Kuron’s prank as a threat of maximum caliber. Kuron stood motionless, completely at the mercy of this now-very-angry killbot.

Wilfer came out of Ak’Anon’s gate with a cavalcade of gnomes wearing silly goggles trailing close behind him. He boasted and cried in his most self-promoting tones at his greatest achievement in life. But his speech was cut short at the sight of the dwarf kneeling before his machine. His machine which now had nearly half of its legs pointing maliciously at Kuron, seconds from a killing blow. Wilfer called out to Kuron.

“YOU IDIOT! DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE, OR YOU WON’T HAVE ANY TO CALL YOUR OWN ANYMORE! I JUST NEED TO MANUALLY RESET THE BEAST AND YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT, JUST DON’T MOVE!”

Wilfer hitched up his toolbelt and, holding it in place, ran as fast as his wobbly legs would allow. The gnome council stayed behind and watched in awe. Kuron couldn’t move even if he had wanted to. That red light beaming down on him, as plain as any death sentence, but in a spectral wavelength. He was stricken with terror. Wilfer neared the machine and crouched down low, wriggling his way to the nearest access panel.

“Just stay very still, and I should have you safe in a moment….though I have no idea why I am even bothering!” he whispered angrilly.

He reached the panel on the abdomen of the device and quietly pried it open. Working feverishly with his tools for a bit, he snipped a wire and nodded. “There!”

The machine groaned as all of it’s lights were suddenly doused, the red beam of death shone no longer. The legs sagged a bit, but the machine remained standing. Wilfer stood with his hands on his hips, tapping his foot furiously.

“It would please me very greatly to not know anything about why this happened, and for you to collect your sweaty self and leave immediately!” he fumed.

Kuron remained very still.

“Did you hear me!? You can MOVE now! The machine is shut down! Off! Alseep! DEAD!”

Wilfer pounded his fist angrily on the hull of his finest achievement. Kuron started to rise now, quite shaken by this whole ordeal, but he didn’t rise fast enough. The legs of the machine were still in kill-position even after being shut down. The pounding of Wilfer’s fist on the hull, however tiny, was enough to let the servo of the main tool-leg slip out of holding pressure.

Kuron went cross-eyed and limp as the huge leg of the contraption swung down to the ground in a great arc, taking the scenic route across his skull. His body flew back from the crippling blow, smashed into a boulder and crumpled into a bloody heap.

“I’m confused Wilfer, so you’ve built a Dwarf-slaying device?” One of the council members asked from behind.

Wilfer scowled and slowly turned to face them.

“DON’T JUST STAND THERE YOU FOOLS! Help me get this poor idiot inside so we can save his watsed life!”

The council quickly ushered poor Kuron’s body into the depths of Ak’anon where the medical bay awaited.

Kuron awoke – hours? weeks? Months? There is no way to know exactly how long he lay unconscious on the tiny cot. His pain was unbearable from the moment he first opened his eyes. His whole body tingled, ached, and itched simultaneously and there was….something…on his head. He groaned as he felt around the heavy thing, which encapsulated his whole skull. It felt a bit like a full-plate helmet, visor and all, except that it whirred and buzzed and was incredibly hot.

“Oh? You’re awake huh? I bet you’re in a lot of pain.” Wilfer said sweetly. But his tone rapidly changed to anger.

“WELL GOOD! Now you can hep recompense for all the damage you’ve done to my reputation and my work! I’ve saved your life after you ruined mine, and what better way to spend your second chance at life than to learn some manners and repay me in the process!”

He pressed a button on a small console that caused Kuron’s whole head to shudder uncontrollably. The agony was horrific.

“GUUAAAHHHH WHAT IS THIS THING!? WHAT HUV YA DONE T’ ME!” Kuron screamed.

Wilfer smiled wickedly. “This is my second greatest invention ever! After you RUINED the first one with your display of how utterly ignorant you are, I decided to volunteer you for my next big idea! I present to you, completely against your will, “The Cerebrodex 9000!”

Kuron sat silently, still clutching the helmet, staring confusedly at Wilfer.

“Still stupid eh? Not a surprise, but also not for long! This WONDERFUL DEVICE that you DO NOT DESERVE will send a constant stream of electrical impulses into your brain that will, I am certain, improve your cognizant faculties! Your intelligence will exponentially increase the longer you wear it and since you can’t take it off, which I have made damn sure of, you should be about as smart as a donkey in only a few short years!”

Kuron clenched his fists.

“Ye monster! YA FIEND! I’LL WRING YER SCRAWNY NECK!”

Kuron started towards the maniacal little gnome, but a quick button press stopped him dead in his tracks and he fell to the floor.

“Did I mention I can also control your every action with it? Wilfer clapped girlishly.

Kuron sighed and knew he was beaten, but it wouldn’t stop him from trying to escape, and he eventually did. When he got far enough away from Ak’anon Wilfer’s controls could no longer hold Kuron. Although he could not remove the helmet, he felt happy enough to be free. Wilfer didn’t even care, he was simply happy to be rid of the annoying Dwarf. The Cerebrodex 9000 would help Kuron in a few situations where thought was necessary, but it didn’t do as much as Wilfer had intially intended.

He had designed it without thinking of the thickness of a Dwarven skull, and so only a fraction of the energies in the contraption got through to Kuron. It did allow him to spit out random facts and bits of lore that he’d not know previously, and on one occasion it helped him talk his way out of a fight where he was hopelessly outnumbered by pixies.

In later years Kuron took many blows to the head, with the device taking the full brunt of the abuse, it worked less and less each time. After years of punishment it finally gave way when Kuron fell into the Well of the Deep in Icewell Keep, the seat of the Dain. He landed squarely on his head, the helmet split open and shattered. Gears and sparks showered over the timlessly thick ice. For the first time in nearly 20 years, Kuron felt fresh air on his face.

Kuron found that his head was now completely bald, and his hair never grew back. He didn’t especially mind, because he could finally see his own beard, now 20 years thicker. Kuron couldn’t ever bring himself to wear a helmet of any kind ever again. Even hats were completely out of the question, no matter how stylish. It brought too many terrible memories of sweeping Wilfer’s house, forced exercising, and healthy eating against his will.

The End!

I’ve joined up with team Nostalgia the Guild and have been adventuring with them for about a month now. Our goal is to experience the game again from an “old-skool” point of view. It didn’t work out exactly that way, but we’re still doing something quite incredible.

From the start, we were all so excited in planning this that some of the rules didn’t quite get translated well enough. We weren’t specific enough to say “Don’t do any of the Serpent’s Spine content at all!”. This new content provides uber XP and amazing gear that makes any of the old-world stuff look like a waste of time in comparison. With all of the new content being used to it’s fullest potential, the old content doesn’t really stand a chance. Barring terrible pulls *bows* we are basically invincible, if I do say so myself! It’s all good, as we are still having fun, and a lot of it! I’d rather be going back to see all of these things to slaughter them, rather than wipe to them.

One of the places we still had a hard time in, good gear or not, was Castle Mistmoore. This place was a hellhole back then, and after all these years a hellhole it remains! My biggest complaint was pulling. I’d walk down a hallway, see a gargoyle maybe 3 feet in front of me. I put an arrow in it’s crotch, and it comes a-runnin’ for me. Down the hall nearly 20 feet from it, 3 doors open and a flood of vampires come rushing to it’s aid. I wasn’t aware Vampires had closed-circuit crotch monitoring for their constructs, but apparently they knew their rocky friend’s pebbles had been breached and sounded the alarm.

Some of the Vampires in there are dressed…strangely. I think this particular coterie of night children thought it best to only harvest initiates from groups of seasoned female pro-wrestlers. Can’t say I blame them! What are YOU going to do with that stake and garlic when some bitch leaps from a coffin, flips you into a half-nelson, and starts shoving them up your ass? You’re going to enjoy it, because that’s your last experience in life ever, also you’re gay-curious.

We took out a few groups, but I unfortunately had to leave early…and with very little warning. I apologize again for that guys and gals but someone kicked my gargoyle in the groin and I had to go see what was the matter, post-haste. It was just a false-alarm, and I told my Vampire minute-men they could return to their sepulchers. I didn’t leave Castle Mistmoore without giving those blood-sucking bastards something to remember me by. She gave me her number, but I’m not going to call her. She knew what this was.

THE POWER OF SPANK-STICK COMPELS YOU!

I had played EQ for 5 years prior to quitting. I took a break for about 2 years, tried some new things, tried some old things, and eventually came back. All-in-all, you can account 7 years of my life as devoted to MMORPGs. Oh and yes, I have had sex* too! Pretty impressive huh? You do believe me, don’t you?

A few months ago I returned to my old stomping grounds, Everquest, hence the birth of this website! As I logged in for the first time in years I thought back to all the fun times I’d had. One thing stuck out as a slight disappointment – I had never finished my epic 1.0! Eegads, the horror! What a noob I was! *hearty strained laughter* Seeing as how I had just returned after such a long absence, what better time to tie up that epic loose end than right-friggin-now! Good idea! I knew I had already done a few parts of it, but in order to figure out exactly where I was in the chain o’ events, I had to take inventory of the quest items in my possession.

I went to my bank and muttered through the crap I had left behind so many years ago. It felt like the beginning of the movie “Blues Brothers” looped over and over again for about 6 hours as I got back all these forgotten items that were of little to no use to me. I had so much bullshit kicking around in my bank! And believe me, you do NOT want to stick Shissar Guts next to Hill Giant Toes in a backpack and leave it in a safe for three or four years. It was sort of like returning from the military after a long service, finally getting back home and seeing your family waiting for you on the front lawn, eating each other violently, with a banner that reads “YOU DID THIS, YOU HORRIBLE BASTARD!” dangling from the roof of your already-on-fire house.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “That’s not the homecoming I would expect or want!”. Believe me, I’m right there with you pal, but get your hand off my shoulder. After a bit of rummaging and reorganizing, as well as tossing out the numerous bags of festering flesh-horrors I had time-capsuled to myself (fuck you, past-me), I figured out where I was with my epic. I needed the Ancient Blade from the Queen of Chardok, and the Ball of Everliving Golem from one of the golems in Plane of Fear. That’s actually not too bad! This seemed feasible, especially since the level cap was now 80, and the new AAs allowed people to become tiny raging Jesuses (or would that be Jesii?).

I asked around a lot, trying to find a guild that would be able to assist me without laughing. Apparently the Epic 1.0s are seen as antique and useless now, most likely because they are. Matters of principle are lost on minds of the weak. Nevertheless, I was determined to find a way to get this done. One guy was happy to help me for the *snort* nominal fee of only 100K. This guy was one of those REALLY pompous asshole monks that could basically do anything they wanted. I always envied really geared-out classes that are able to solo…wait doesn’t everyone? It seemed like if I wanted to get this done, I was going to have to take a hit in the coin-purse (pronounced ‘balls’), but I was in for a stroke of luck!

Tipa and Stargrace, the two most influential ladies in my returning to Everquest, had high-leveled characters that would be perfect for just such an insane mission. I asked them if they would be willing assist me, and bless their butts they agreed to help! Hot damn! Now we’re getting someplace! Tipa’s cleric is a beast +1. She tore into Chardok with Stargrace and myself decimating anything that DARED lay a clawed finger on her. The mission went something like this:

Tipa: Are you dorks ready?

Kuron/Stargrease: Durrr, yes, we’re dumb!

Tipa: Stay behind me, and don’t touch anything!

Kuron/Stargrease: Huh?

Tipa: Ok, we’re done, grab your dumb blade and let’s get out of here. I’m too awesome! I need to go AFK to ride my motorcycle, get blitzed and kill a man with some kind of eye-laser!

The mission was a complete success. We got the blade off the stinky Queen of Chardok, and I was one step closer. Now all I needed was a Golem Testicle. Oo la la! I thought this would be even easier than the Blade, and boy was I mistaken. It seems that a certain Amulet of Necropotence drops off these golems I needed. Said amulet can turn it’s owner into a Skeleton….and very little else. In fact, this amulet has virtually no other use aside from having the power to seriously piss me off with how stupid people get over it. This item is depressingly over-farmed and frequently sells for 75K+ for SOME fucking reason.

I camped out in Plane of Fear with friends for 16+ hours trying to get a stupid golem to spawn. We went in early and stayed late simply because we had to in order to beat the ravenous, desperately stupid-over-amulets farmers who were just trying to make yet another buck. I guess having 100 billion platinum still just isn’t enough for some. Many thanks to Tipa and Puppett for their help and patience in there, sorry it didn’t exactly pay off. Or did it?

My buddy Puppett did some research as we sat motionless in Plane of Fear all those hours. Turns out he knew a guy that knew a guy that killed a golem a few days prior, and possibly had the item I needed. Ooo the plot thickens! I tried to contact this guy for three days with absolutely no response. Finally, I got a hold of him, told him my nostalgic story, as well as my plight against golem crotch-farmers and he took pity on me. He met up with me for an MQ of the item I needed, and after 6+ years I finally had my Epic 1.0! And the crowd goes wild!

GO DARTH KURON! Also shown: Tipa’s baby Paladin!

Welcome to Iceclad! The purpose of this Blog is to keep memoirs of the adventures I have had in Everquest, as well as other games. I hope to share with you some stories, laughs, and maybe even a little artwork. I’ll do my best to keep a good mix of things here.

I’ll start by telling you a little bit about this blog. As you can already see, its name is “Iceclad”. I named this blog after one of my favorite zones in Everquest, Iceclad Ocean. This is a region of snowy wastes and icy oceans on a continent referred to as Velious. Some of the most beloved zones and memorable enemies can be found in this area. I myself spent over 43 hours here once camping a particularly angry griffon named Stormfeather. Than name, for some, sends involuntary shivers of hate and dread down their spines – I am one of those people.

But this, for me, was a land of beauty and solitude. I’d come here and just sit, often not doing much of anything. I’d have the television on , or hold a conversation on AOL Instant Messenger on the laptop next to me. The frozen lands of Iceclad, as well as the rest of Velious, provided a nice calming background element. The game never asked much, but gave so much in return. That relentless wind, the churning waters, and the transient cougars silently stalking over the tundra in the distance brought me a relaxation back then that I fear I may never know again.

Ah, and how can you talk about Iceclad without talking about the legendary Tower of Frozen Shadow? You can’t! You just can’t! I feel fairly confident in saying that everyone who’s ever played Everquest loves the Tower of Frozen Shadow. It’s a “gimme”. It is interesting to note, however, that I have yet to meet anyone who can tell me why they love this zone. They just do! I suppose it’s one of those intangible things, just a feeling you get when several underlying elements combine. I admit, I am one of those unable to answer directly. The Tower, like Iceclad Ocean, like Velious and yes, even like Everquest – are all just things I like and couldn’t possibly tell you why.

I just like them and will always remember them fondly.

Welcome to Iceclad.