Iceclad

I had played EQ for 5 years prior to quitting. I took a break for about 2 years, tried some new things, tried some old things, and eventually came back. All-in-all, you can account 7 years of my life as devoted to MMORPGs. Oh and yes, I have had sex* too! Pretty impressive huh? You do believe me, don’t you?

A few months ago I returned to my old stomping grounds, Everquest, hence the birth of this website! As I logged in for the first time in years I thought back to all the fun times I’d had. One thing stuck out as a slight disappointment – I had never finished my epic 1.0! Eegads, the horror! What a noob I was! *hearty strained laughter* Seeing as how I had just returned after such a long absence, what better time to tie up that epic loose end than right-friggin-now! Good idea! I knew I had already done a few parts of it, but in order to figure out exactly where I was in the chain o’ events, I had to take inventory of the quest items in my possession.

I went to my bank and muttered through the crap I had left behind so many years ago. It felt like the beginning of the movie “Blues Brothers” looped over and over again for about 6 hours as I got back all these forgotten items that were of little to no use to me. I had so much bullshit kicking around in my bank! And believe me, you do NOT want to stick Shissar Guts next to Hill Giant Toes in a backpack and leave it in a safe for three or four years. It was sort of like returning from the military after a long service, finally getting back home and seeing your family waiting for you on the front lawn, eating each other violently, with a banner that reads “YOU DID THIS, YOU HORRIBLE BASTARD!” dangling from the roof of your already-on-fire house.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “That’s not the homecoming I would expect or want!”. Believe me, I’m right there with you pal, but get your hand off my shoulder. After a bit of rummaging and reorganizing, as well as tossing out the numerous bags of festering flesh-horrors I had time-capsuled to myself (fuck you, past-me), I figured out where I was with my epic. I needed the Ancient Blade from the Queen of Chardok, and the Ball of Everliving Golem from one of the golems in Plane of Fear. That’s actually not too bad! This seemed feasible, especially since the level cap was now 80, and the new AAs allowed people to become tiny raging Jesuses (or would that be Jesii?).

I asked around a lot, trying to find a guild that would be able to assist me without laughing. Apparently the Epic 1.0s are seen as antique and useless now, most likely because they are. Matters of principle are lost on minds of the weak. Nevertheless, I was determined to find a way to get this done. One guy was happy to help me for the *snort* nominal fee of only 100K. This guy was one of those REALLY pompous asshole monks that could basically do anything they wanted. I always envied really geared-out classes that are able to solo…wait doesn’t everyone? It seemed like if I wanted to get this done, I was going to have to take a hit in the coin-purse (pronounced ‘balls’), but I was in for a stroke of luck!

Tipa and Stargrace, the two most influential ladies in my returning to Everquest, had high-leveled characters that would be perfect for just such an insane mission. I asked them if they would be willing assist me, and bless their butts they agreed to help! Hot damn! Now we’re getting someplace! Tipa’s cleric is a beast +1. She tore into Chardok with Stargrace and myself decimating anything that DARED lay a clawed finger on her. The mission went something like this:

Tipa: Are you dorks ready?

Kuron/Stargrease: Durrr, yes, we’re dumb!

Tipa: Stay behind me, and don’t touch anything!

Kuron/Stargrease: Huh?

Tipa: Ok, we’re done, grab your dumb blade and let’s get out of here. I’m too awesome! I need to go AFK to ride my motorcycle, get blitzed and kill a man with some kind of eye-laser!

The mission was a complete success. We got the blade off the stinky Queen of Chardok, and I was one step closer. Now all I needed was a Golem Testicle. Oo la la! I thought this would be even easier than the Blade, and boy was I mistaken. It seems that a certain Amulet of Necropotence drops off these golems I needed. Said amulet can turn it’s owner into a Skeleton….and very little else. In fact, this amulet has virtually no other use aside from having the power to seriously piss me off with how stupid people get over it. This item is depressingly over-farmed and frequently sells for 75K+ for SOME fucking reason.

I camped out in Plane of Fear with friends for 16+ hours trying to get a stupid golem to spawn. We went in early and stayed late simply because we had to in order to beat the ravenous, desperately stupid-over-amulets farmers who were just trying to make yet another buck. I guess having 100 billion platinum still just isn’t enough for some. Many thanks to Tipa and Puppett for their help and patience in there, sorry it didn’t exactly pay off. Or did it?

My buddy Puppett did some research as we sat motionless in Plane of Fear all those hours. Turns out he knew a guy that knew a guy that killed a golem a few days prior, and possibly had the item I needed. Ooo the plot thickens! I tried to contact this guy for three days with absolutely no response. Finally, I got a hold of him, told him my nostalgic story, as well as my plight against golem crotch-farmers and he took pity on me. He met up with me for an MQ of the item I needed, and after 6+ years I finally had my Epic 1.0! And the crowd goes wild!

GO DARTH KURON! Also shown: Tipa’s baby Paladin!